So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
