Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
