In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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