I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
