Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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