Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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