im six kinds of drunk right now
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
