This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
