i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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