I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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