If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
