Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My dick has a subreddit
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
