It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
