you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
