then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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