If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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