Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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