we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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