Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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