Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
