i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
