I think my fart just growled at me.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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