I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
