You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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