I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
