i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
