dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
