Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
