i need an iv and a liver transplant
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
