Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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