went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
