Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
