even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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