I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
