I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
