Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
