Swine flu. Run for my life!
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
