Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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