dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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