you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
