You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
