Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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