Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
