At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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