So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
