The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm getting married
To pizza
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
