i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
