Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
