woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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