this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Randomize
