listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
