Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
