i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
