If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize